When I was diagnosed with HIV, I immediately became the same thing I stigmatized. I was full of shame and embarrassment. I had just given my life to Christ, why would God do this to me? These were my thoughts about myself. I blamed everybody for what happened to me, the man who knew his status, God who knew his status and the world for creating this disease. I never wanted to look within myself to heal. I wanted to stay there because it was easier than dealing with this diagnosis. It was easier than saying Ok, lets grow from here and flourish. I also said I was not taking medication ever. At this time you did not immediately have to take medication. I was very young and started planning my death literally. I just knew I would never have the desires of my heart. At this time people were still dying from this all the time. HIV=Death at the time in my eyes. I learned that I was just not educated and I did not see anyone who looked like me doing this.
I started going to events and seeing young people who did not mind sharing their status. They were bold and confident. I thought wow they are not letting this take them out. I saw a little gleam of hope. I thought one day I might share my story. I knew when I did it I would have to be open with it which meant I could not care what people thought. I was doing risky things like going to nursing school. It kept me quiet for a long time. Then one day I decided I will not hide my status anymore. Too many of us are suffering in silence. I did not want to be one of them. I have a voice and gifts that needed to be shared with the world.
After I realized that I had to speak I began to learn more and accept me. I had to change my mindsets around my status. After I shared I realized that my support system was there, but I did not allow them to support me because I hid. I could not trust anybody which was my deeper issue. I also did not want to lose the genuine love they had for me. I realized they had even more love and support for me. They loved me unconditionally. They did not love me less because I was diagnosed. I got the most support from my family when I launched my book. Alot of people complain that their family do not support. I can not say that. When I have something my family supports in some ways. I do not make products for them so I do not expect them to buy all my products or read all my post,. When it matters most they are there for me. Sometimes stigmatizing myself causes me to not get what I need.
This weekend I went live in my Facebook group about why I shared my status if you want the whole spill. It felt good to share that story. Some people do not understand the purpose behind the story. I really want all women to walk in purpose on purpose and hold their head high. We all go through things, but its our responsibility to heal and grow from that space. No its not your fault, neither is it fair, but its your life and your decision what you do with the cards dealt to you. If you are living with a chronic illness or HIV, feel free to join my email list and grab a freebie while you are at it. I think that you will be blessed and you will have access to email me and here about services. I create things that helps uplift and empower you. I also have services and digital products that help you live your best life and get closer to God. I also pray for you and with you. If no one has told you today, I love you.
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