Updated: Jun 11, 2019
About one month ago, I was preparing to launch this podcast. I picked out topics and thought about who the podcast was for. I crossed my t's and dotted my I's. I was very prepared to get started and do the will of my father. So, I posted the podcast for the first time, 2 weeks ago and he confirmed this is good. This is what I want from you. I was excited to be honest because I was in his will. That was the good feeling. So week two came and the topic was faith. Remember I made these topics weeks ago. I did not know that I would be here, struggling with my faith. I did not know that my own faith would be tested this very week. This has been the most up and down that I have been. I bounce back fairly easily, I had to literally pick up my feelings and go in the closet. I cried in that closet like an ugly cry. This was not because I was full of joy, but full of sorrow. I had to tell him how I felt and that I knew he was bigger than what was happening in that exact moment. I knew his track record is great. There are amazing things happening, but it takes time.
I am always in a rush for things to just past, problems to stop bills to pay their self. I want my books to be filled, books and journals sold out. I want the success but I don't want to be in order. I do not want to accept that some of my problems are not attacks, but due to my mental health. Yes, I said it. When you suffer with anxiety, depression, or bipolar you do things you do not understand sometimes. I am not blaming myself for having these issues, but I am taking responsibility for not doing checks and staying in therapy.
I pour into people tell them get into therapy and I won't do it. I haven not found one I trust to be completely honest. I have been struggling to decide if i need medicine, will I not hear from God. It makes me think do I hear from God now? It gets really cloudy sometimes about what I am doing. Its not that I am crazy, I just do not know a lot of people in my circle with this type of faith. That made me realize I need to change my circle. I need to get around people who understand the faith I have and who can see through my emotions.
I have faith that he is slowly doing this, number one I am not an open ATM anymore. Therefore, anyone around me for that they are gone. Also its a no season for me, so no more of me saying yes to everybody and everything. These things have shown me the character of people I was once connected to. I notice my phone does not ring like that anymore. I am okay with that because honestly I am not in a place to deal with people and take on their issues, unless its led by the holy ghost. Most people just want me to have pity parities with them, I can't I left that place and it annoys me. They are not looking to be lifted so I can not help them.
I do believe that when I help free somebody else, I get attacked. This week I shared some intimate stories on the queen redeemed podcast, about how I increase my faith. I also had a call today about doing some content creation and it turned into a 30 minute witnessing session. I know it was divine intervention because I called from my regular phone by accident instead of my business phone. I am usually good at not doing that. I really helped her in that call and she boosted confidence in me. It was things that I was saying that I did not know I could do. It proved to me that I could do more in this life.
So, why do I think I won't be attack, new levels new devils they say. I should expect these things but I don't. I never know when I will start having shaken faith. Today was a shaken day and I know that tomorrow will be better. I believe God will do what he said he will do, I believe that God is still faithful although less than 2 hours ago I could not stop crying or being hard on myself. Now, I feel better my spirit is in control. Yes that fast. God can truly come suddenly in your life. If you are struggling today, just remember joy comes in the morning.